Attack Of The Star Wars Mushrooms
by Stormy Snape
Summary: CrackFic. “I have a bad feeling about this.” My team stares at me, not knowing how to respond or they think I lost the plot… again.


The Strangest Planet of them All… Trust me you do NOT want to go there.

~Colonel O'Neill~

It's always an adventure to go to different planets, usually the end result was good. However, today I had a bad feeling. We were all standing in a neat little line in front of the gate waiting for Walter to dial 'er up. I had to say something.

"I have a bad feeling about this." My team stares at me, not knowing how to respond or they think I lost the plot… again.

"Jack, did you by any chance watch _Star Wars _lately? It's not that that's a bad thing, I'm just saying that maybe you should lay off of the science fiction a bit." Daniel Jackson, occupation: comedian.

"Chevron One Encoded." The gate did it's little twirly thing and the first chevron locking mechanism lit up.

"I have no difficulties telling fiction from reality, Daniel. And at least I can go an hour without coffee." Heh, that shut him up, but now Carter and Teal'c are looking at me weird… again.

"Chevron Seven Locked." I think we may have missed a few Encodeds there Walter, but the gate did the toilet swoosh, so I guess it's okay. You never know with these technicians now a days. Wow I sound old.

"Okay campers! Are you ready to rumble?!" I said with a grin, Carter giggles, Teal'c raised both eyebrows; not just one and Daniel glared at me. He dare to glare at me, oh I hope he gets married to a man this time.

We began the extremely long trek up the ramp to P5X-2104, and we were on said planet in about 0.0000052674 seconds, real time.

Did you ever notice how all the Stargates are usually on platforms that have stairs? I mean seriously, the Nox, Asgard, Tok'ra, and even Ernest's planet had stairs. I am thinking that the Ancients were a little too much into the cosmetics of these things.

Anyway, we all made it to P5X-2104 safe and sound, for about five seconds. Daniel was the first one through and therefore the first one to walk out onto the grass, did I mention that it's carrot orange? Daniel, being Daniel, has to have the first accident on every planet. He tripped over a 'rock' and did a wonderful face-plant, I'd say about a 7 out of 10, not bad.

"Oooowwwwww… is anyone going to help me?" He always was a whiner. I nodded to Teal'c, who just grabbed the clumsy doctor by the conveniently placed handle attached to the back of his vest.

He turned around and we stared, with our mouths wide open.

"What? What? Is there something wrong with me?"

"Ummm… Have you been eating a lot of carrots lately Daniel?" Carter, ever the diplomat, I would have just pointed and laughed… Ok, maybe I did, a little, on the inside.

She handed him a mirror that she whipped out of hammer-space, she probably does too. He looked into the mirror and shrieked like a teenage girl who notices a pimple on her nose, but louder.

He was orange, the exact shade of a carrot, in fact he really just looked like a carrot, texture and everything. He also looked like he was almost going to cry.

"Sproink?"

We all look at each other, when Daniel lifted his hand to point at the rock he tripped over. I half turn to look at it, it wasn't a rock. It was alive… it actually looked like one of those mushroom guys from the Mario games that chase you and eat you.

"You don't think…?" I started, the mushroom guy jumped out of the ground with a hungry, maniacal grin.

"I believe you are correct O'Neill."

"Oh Bloody Hell! RUN!!!!!!!!!!" I shouted as we all turned and booted'er into the velvet purple tree line.

"SPROINK!!!!!" The battle cry awoken the entire herd of mushroom guys, erm… the pack of mushroom guys, as they are carnivores.

We ran, oh buddy, did we run. The velvet purple trees even felt like velvet, they also completely clashed with the grass, Oma was not happy with this planet. We were able to evade the random goo-filled trenches, tar-pits, and lava ponds. We were putting a distance between us and the waddling hunters.

"Look, a door!" Carter pointed at the sheer-cliff, she sounded confident with her assessment of it. Sure enough it was a door, with an anteater head knocker. Teal'c ran ahead of us because he's strong like that, he knocked the knocker.

*SCCRRREEEEEEEEEECCCKKKK*

A very hairy creature opened the door. It was tall, really tall man like thing.

"Really need to oil that damn thing." It looked at us. "Oh! Hello, are you my new neighbours? The last ones didn't last too long."

"SPROINK!!"

"Oh, you awoken them didn't you? They won't go back to rest until they've gotten what they want, boogies."

"Are you going to allow us entrance?" Teal'c, always the calmest of the bunch, but deadly.

The creature looked thoughtful for a moment, "No." Then he slammed the door in our faces.

"What the bloody hell is wrong with this planet?!" I shouted to the grey-blue sky.

"Um… Jack? You really need to stop watching movies, first Star Wars, and now all of the 'bloody hell' stuff. If you need to talk, I'm here for you."

"I am not deranged Daniel, and last time I checked you were an archaeologist, not a psychiatrist, so shut your trap."

It was a different type of an attack, not what I was expecting at all. The shit-brown mushroom guy launched itself onto Daniel's face, and looked to be having sex with his nose.

"Sir, shouldn't we, you know, help him?"

"Nah, I think he's good."

"He is screaming as though he is in incredible pain, O'Neill."

"Where is that video camera? This is good stuff."

Carter whipped out a camcorder out of hammer space again, I don't know why she even bothers with a pack anymore. I turn it on and focus it upon the creature on Daniel's face.

"Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-Sproink-SSSSPPPPPPRRRROOOIIINNNNNKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!"

"I believe it is done, O'Neill."

The mushroom guy immediately fell off of Daniel and buried itself back into the ground, the rest of the pack followed suit.

Daniel looked violated, the tears on his face had yet to dry. His nose, slightly bloodied, his breathing erratic, his eyes wild.

"I can't believe you guys did nothing!!! I WAS RAPED BY A MUSHROOM!!!"

Now I don't know about you, but that is hilarious. I should know, I laughed, Carter laughed. Hell, even Teal'c laughed.

Daniel got up slowly, his nose began to bleed more. He pinched the bridge of his nose to halt the blood flow.

"Hey Sam, do you have something to stop this." The 'victim' gestured to his flowing nose.

Carter turned to me, I smirked, I saw that movie with her and Cassie. This was good. I nodded. She grinned as she whipped out something else from hammer space and quickly took the wrapper off two. She handed one to me as Teal'c grabbed Daniel in a bear-hug from behind. We shoved them up his nose.

"AAAHHHHH!!!! You guys didn't do what I think you did… did you?" He opened his eyes. "AARRGGHHH!!!! You did!! Great now I've been violated by a mushroom and my supposed friends with tampons!"

I snicker. "We should head back to the gate now. Get Daniel here to the Doc."

"Yes sir." She said as she dusted Daniel off.

The trek back to the gate was not as interesting as the trek from it. Nothing happened… at all! We easily avoided the tar-pits, lava ponds and goo-filled trenches. No one fell, nothing happened, it was kind of disappointing really.

We stepped through the gate, after sending our GDO signal so we wouldn't get squashed. 0.0000052674 seconds later we stood on the good old ramp again, back on Earth.

"We need a med team here." Carter was still laughing, well so was I so I couldn't say much.

Dr. Frasier was immediately in the Gateroom, she looked at Daniel with one raised eyebrow. She took in Daniel's expression, the state of his face and clothes, and the tampons stuffed into his nose.

"Do I even want to know?"

"They let it rape me! They even taped it! I WAS RAPED BY A MUSHROOM!!"

"Okay, Daniel. Lets get you to the infirmary, and I'll give Dr. Mackenzie a call."

"I AM NOT CRAZY!!! I WAS RAPED BY A MUSHROOM!!!" Dr. Frasier looked to me, I shook my head 'no'.

"He was acting strange once we got to the planet, it may have been an allergy to the local floral." Carter told Frasier, hiding her smile.

"I WILL GET YOU BACK O'NEILL!!!! YOU TWO, TOO!!!!!"

The doors closed behind them as they left. I let go a sigh of relief, as did Carter and Teal'c. "I wonder how long it takes for them to realize that he's telling the truth."

"I do not know O'Neill. Do you wish to finish our marathon of _Star Wars_, _Harry Potter_ and _Pirates of the Caribbean _tonight?"

I grin, "Wouldn't miss it for the world, Carter you want to join us?"

She shrugged, "Sure, we have to plan our next attack anyways."

The three of us left to rendezvous at Teal'c's quarters, to have a night of movies and the planning of our next humiliation of one Dr. Daniel Jackson.


End file.
